


The Stuff of Dreams

by Lady_Jane666



Series: The Twinquistion [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Lots of set up for a larger fic, Love Triangles, Original Character(s), Past Relationship(s), The Fade, dad!solas, pre-fic-fic, solavellan baby - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-04 22:08:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21204854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Jane666/pseuds/Lady_Jane666
Summary: A collection of encounters in the Fade between Tamaris Lavellan and Solas during the two years he was missing after the defeat of Corypheus.





	1. What We Sacrificed

**Author's Note:**

> So basically this is a little bit of set up for larger fic that I am working on. It still doesn’t have a title but I thought setting the stage, a bit. This takes place in my “Twinquistion” universe where Tamaris was only ever named the Herald of Andraste and her twin brother was named the Inquisitor. Also… Solavellan baby happened… so yeah… STORY TIME…

For the majority of her life Tamaris had a very conflicted relationship with sleep and dreams. Being what the Magisters called a  _ Somnari _ or a Dreamer in the common tongue, she had control over her dreams. It was a blessing and a curse. She saw so much that filled her wonder and awe, but was also plagued by horrific and graphic nightmares since her earliest memories. Her dreams felt real, as real as any event that had happened to her while waking, and she remembered every moment. Many dreamers never lived past childhood, fewer yet into adulthood like she had. In her whole life she had only met one other, Solas.

Solas was complicated subject for Tamaris. She had a lot of anger towards him over the past year and a half since he disappeared. Many nights she had cursed his named and wished to see him one more time only to wrap her hands around his neck. Though, most nights, she just missed him. As much as she tried to hide it, most of all from herself, Tamaris still loved Solas deeply. It was a love like nothing she had ever felt. He had a pull over her and she over him. When they met for the first time something in him pulled at something in her. Their relationships lasted a little less than a year, it had actually been one of the best kept secrets of the Inquisition, but he did not leave her without a constant reminder of what they had sacrificed for the sake of “the mission”. 

A little over a month after Corypheus fell and Solas left, Tamaris learned she was pregnant. At the time she had yet to enter into another relationship so she knew precisely who the father was.  _ Solas _ .

At first, Tamaris was petrified when she realized the position she found herself in. Pregnant, alone to raise a child without the father, for she doubted that Solas would return. As anyone in her position would have, Tamaris fell into a deep depression. 

She locked herself away in her room, far away from all those who cared for her. Everyone was concerned, but Mathras insisted on the best course being to give her space. For the most part, they obliged. Except Dorian. It was not in his nature stand by and do nothing. He would leave food outside her door each morning and evening, with a note telling her that she was missed and very loved. Anything he could think of to try and raise her spirits. In the end it was Dorian who made the choice to get The Iron Bull to break down her bedroom door after no one had seen her for a week. He barged in and declared “Enough, I am not standing by any long. Mathras be damned…” He pulled her from her bed and promptly made her bathe while he ordered Bull to go find some food. Dorian did leave her side for several days after. Not that he feared she would hurt herself, but because he knew she needed someone to comfort her. 

It took several weeks but Tamaris seemed herself, well as close as she could be. Everyone around her was doing their best to lift her spirits. Tamaris learned to fake happiness fairly quickly, while she remained quite heartbroken. The pain ran deep and perhaps clouded her judgment. A month after she learned she was pregnant, Tamaris ended up allowing her brother to convince her that Cullen would be a perfect match for her. So while pregnant with another man’s child, she entered into an often rocky relationship with one of her brother’s closest friends. 

Cullen wasn’t a bad man, by any means, but he wasn’t Solas. He had a handsomeness that was undeniable, charming with a surprisingly witty sense of humor and he was undoubtedly, a very caring man. Who didn’t deserve to be in love with a woman that still loved another man. The guilt she felt for continuing a relationship out of the fear of being alone weighed heavy on Tamaris. When her daughter, Shivana, had been born it only complicated the situation because Cullen happily accepted the role of father. In fact it was one of the most painful things to see at times, because it was a role he thrived in. Tamaris had been worried that Cullen wouldn’t want to be with her, once the baby had been born. Those worries disappeared quickly when Cullen seemed to look past the blatantly obvious fact that he was not the biological father, and claimed the little girl as his own. In the moment it had made her blissfully happy.

Yet, almost a year later, she wished he had just turned his back on them then. 

Tamaris had hoped that with time her feelings for Solas would fade. They would be replaced by the feelings she so strongly desired to have for Cullen. The feelings never fully came to fruition. Solas was always there. The older Shivana got, the more she favored him. Her hair had come in thick, dark auburn curls, which could have only come from him. Her eyes stayed the same stormy blue as his, though for months Dorian had been convinced they were turning Violet. Tamaris suspected he was only humoring her. There was less obvious things as well. Subtle things that only she would have ever noticed. The curve of her coy smile, the way she held her hands she was being scolded, her soft chuckles when she had done something amusing or mischievious. All Solas. 

As she wondered the fade each night, part of her was doing it in search of him. Hoping she would stumble upon him in some old memories and be able to ask him all the questions she needed to be able to move on. 

Oddly enough, she had shared this with Sera. Whom was often uneasy talking about the Fade and magic, but much to Tamaris’s surprise. Her friend had a fair point to make. “Don’t go lookin’ for him… find what he may be lookin’ for. Which I would bet is gonna be my little bumble bee… so go where our Shivana is and I bet before too long he will show up, because there ain’t a soul in Thedas that don’t know the Herald of Andraste squirted out little elfy baby...because there is no way she can pass for Cullen’s, didn’t you try when his sister came? Wrapped her up, put a hat on her so they couldn’t see her ears…and they still figured it out ya know, not that it matters...she may look like ol’ Elven Glory but she is soft and squishy on the inside like your Cully Wully... pfft don’t look at me like that… Shivana is one elfy elf baby. Perhaps the elfiest of them all…” Sera had continued to ramble on eventually leading to the conclusion that there was no way Solas couldn’t know about Shivana and had likely found her at least once already. 

So, Tamaris did as Sera suggested. Each night she found her daughter in the Fade in the safe little bubble Tamaris had created for her. It was one of the camps she had grown up in, the clan would stop there every few years. It was warm, lush and green. You could hear the soft sounds of a creek in the distance and there was the smell of wild flowers filling the air. She had left out the Aravels, mostly because she didn’t think Solas would approve of their daughter being raised Dalish. Even if it was just in the Fade. Instead she left it open, so Shivana could run and play with a freedom she couldn’t have at Skyhold. 

Each night she sat, watching her daughter be amused by two little wisps that had started to call this quiet corner of the Fade home. They were kind beings, with no malicious intent. Tamaris had made sure of that. They just loved to be around joy and Shivana was filled with that. They would play and dance, make flowers bloom and birds sing sweet songs for her. It was a lovely and heartwarming thing for Tamaris to see. It made her less worried that her daughter would be plagued with nightmares she had been. Though her gifts hadn’t shown themselves, Tamaris was all but certain that Shivana was a mage and a dreamer like both her parents. So the fact that as young as she was, she was attracting kindly spirits spoke to her daughter’s true nature. Or so that was what Tamaris had told herself. 

Then one night, when Tamaris joined her daughter in her little oasis, there were no whisps to be found. Instead, Shivana was sitting in the center of the clearing looking up a large white wolf that stood before her. Tamaris’s protective instincts willed her to go to Shivana, pull her away and run. Yet, as she neared and saw the soft smile on the little girl’s face as her hand reached out and tangled in the beast’s fur. A joyful laugh escaped her daughter’s lips, not unlike she would give Tamaris, Cullen, Mathras, Dorian or Sera. The people she knew as family.  _ She knows it… _ . Tamaris concluded. So, she stopped and watched from a distance, just barely concealed by some trees. 

The wolf circled around Shivana as the child clapped her hands happily as if she was waiting for something exciting to happen. She turned onto all fours as she began to crawl after the Wolf as it started to walk away. I sofy grunt of protest escaped the little girl’s lips as she scowled,  _ her father’s scowl _ . The Wolf stopped and turned around, as it did it’s shape began to transform into one that Tamaris knew all too well. 

Instantly she knew why Shivana knew the wolf and wasn’t afraid. Because the wolf was the little girl’s father. Her hand shook as she brought it to her mouth trying to muffle her gasp as she watched him bend down to pick up their daughter. Seeing him again, with their daughter caused a wave of sadness to wash over Tamaris as it shouldn’t have been this way. He should have been there when she was born, he should have been able to hold her for real. Then, the anger and pain started to seep in. Her hand fell away from her mouth as she stepped out of the trees and into sight. “Solas…” His name rolled off her tongue yet like it had a thousand time before, but there was pain behind it, longing. 

Her voice caught him off guard,  _ he wasn’t expecting me _ , Tamaris noted as she saw a shocked look painted across his face. His mouth hung slightly agape as he struggled to find the will to call her what he truly wanted. It was Shivana’s joyfully laugh that steadied him as he turned his gaze down to his smiling child. “Look, Mamae found us.” He pointed over to Tamaris who was trying to hold it together. Her eyes were fixed on Solas as he placed a tender kiss on Shivana’s plump, freckle covered cheek as he mumbled. “Clever Mamae…” His gaze shifted back to Tamaris and she bit her bottom lip to keep herself from saying what she wanted as well. She forced a small smile for her daughter as her eyes stayed fixed on his. 

A few swift steps and Tamaris closed the gap between her and Solas as she reached out for her daughter. “Come on da’ean.” Tamaris muttered softly as the little girl, not yet one, leaned over for her mother. Solas’s gaze narrowed, his brow furrowed as Tamaris took Shivana from him. Once the child was settled in her arms Tamaris turned back to Solas. Her gemstone eyes danced with outrage, her free hand outstretched, a long finger jutted out at him. “You have no right to do this to her.” Tamaris declared sternly, her voice wavering slightly as held back for fear one day, even though it was all in the Fade, Shivana would remember. “It is not fair, you are not apart of her life, you should have no place in her dreams…” 

“Not because I do not long to be…” his voice was filled with regret as he his hand reached out to take Shivana’s. He smirked at her. “I wish it could be different.” He was trying to sound happy, cheerful even, but Tamaris could hear the twinge of sadness in his words. Tamaris was doing her best to hold back because she felt for Solas as she saw the mournful look in his eyes as he smiled at the child. “But she deserves a chance for more, so much more…” He muttered more to himself in an attempt to convince himself that it was best if he stayed away. 

Tamaris couldn’t hold her tongue any longer. “She deserves the chance to know her father.” The weight behind her words shook him from looking at Shivana for just a moment. Their eyes met once more and Tamaris’s bottom lip quivered slightly as she still struggled to maintain her composure. “More than that, she deserves goodnight kisses, bedtime stories, someone to protect her..” Those were all things Cullen had been doing since the day Shivana had been born, but it should have been  _ him.  _

“That is what I am trying to do, vhenan.” His slip didn’t go unnoticed by either of them and Shivana looked confused. She had never seen her mother so shaken as Tamaris was by hearing that name again. Shivana’s plump little hand reached out to touch her mother’s cheek as a single tear fell from her deep violet eyes. The guilt over the slip was written all over Solas’s face as he reached out placed a gentle hand on her arm. “I tried to keep my distance, even here.” His words were chosen carefully,  _ they always were, _ and his tone was soft and there was more sadness behind his words than Tamaris had expected. “But, I had to see her… she is my daughter…” His voice cracked with emotion as he spoke. 

“You could have just returned, really Solas. It’s that simple.” Tamaris hated that her tone was more desperate than she had intended, but seeing him reminded her how strongly she still felt towards him. “Just come home, ma’lath.” Their eyes met for only a brief moment as Solas turned away. His hand slipping from her arm. The loss of his touch made her heart ache.

Tamaris knew him well enough, or so she believed, to tell he was obviously conflicted. His hand went to his brow as his eyes squeezed shut. Solas paused for several moments before opening his eyes once more to look back at Tamaris and their daughter. “It is not that easy, I wish it could be…” 

“Why can it not be, Solas? Why?” Her tone shifted into a pleading anger, Shivana started to squirm in her mother’s arms. Slightly alarmed by the tension and shifting emotions. Without thinking Tamaris set the babe down on the grass before turning back to Solas. “What is so horrible that you would sacrifice being in your daughter’s life… that you sacrificed us for?” Shivana started to crawl away towards some nearby flowers, Solas’s eyes followed her. This upset Tamaris who just wanted him to answer her questions. “Solas!” She snapped sharply and Solas glanced back at her. 

“It is a complex situation...:” He started obviously wanting to avoid the subject but Tamaris was not going to allow that to happen. He owed her answers. Reaching out she gripped his arms and held him in front of her. “Please let us leave it at that..” Solas asked softly. 

Those who knew her well, knew that when she had her mind set on something there was little that would stop her. That moment was no different. Her lips turned into a disapproving scowl as her eyes narrowed in on his. “Tell me!” Her voice shook. The nights she spent looking for him, desperate for answers. The days she spent locked in her rooms sobbing, only coaxed out by Cullen’s promise to let her order the recruits around on drills and be as mean as she wanted. For a moment she wished Cullen was there to pull her away again. Her mind was awash with so many questions all she could manage to choke out was, “You owe me answers!” Her hands released his arms as she pushed him back slightly, though he didn’t move at all. 

Solas hung his head, only briefly glancing over at Shivana before he looked up and nodded. “That I do…” He offered his hand to her, Tamaris hesitated. “I promise, I will tell you everything…” He added. Tamaris nodded as she placed her hand in his. “Just not here.” In an instant they were somewhere else. 

_________

It was a mountain top, a clearing with only a fire pit with a roaring fire and log near it. Solas gestured towards the log, waiting for Tamaris to go first but she didn’t move. Solas sighed. “Shivana will be fine, I promise.” Her violet eyes narrowed in on him silently questioning. “Her name was easier than you would have thought to find out, Leilana is not nearly as good as she believes herself to be.” He noted smugly and Tamaris chuckled. For a brief moment she forgot the pain. “Come… sit.” 

Once they were seated on the log, gazing into the fire Tamaris turned to him, her hand resting on his thigh. “I have to tell you this Solas, because I am sure you know about Cullen and I.” Solas nodded, he had known for quite some time about her relationship. “Please just know, no matter what you have heard. I still love you, I do not know why. I wish I knew. Cullen is a good man, too good for me in truth...he deserves so much better...” She was anxious, which made Solas smirk as he placed his hand over her’s. “I do care for him you know, but it’s not the same.” Tamaris mumbled as she looked down at Solas’s hand resting over her’s. She missed his touch, even now she longed for him to really hold her hand. 

“He is not too good for you, Vhenan… you are too good for him..” He stated softly as his stormy eyes lifted and gazed upon Tamaris’s face, it had softened some from before. The pain and rage behind her eyes replaced with profound sadness. He would have rather seen rage, for the sadness only made him feel guiltier. Solas squeezed her hand gently, “I never expected you to lock yourself away.” Tamaris shrugged and looked into the fire. “But, if I am being honest, when I heard… there was a moment..” 

“You were jealous…” Her head snapped back and she watched Solas nod, not wanting to willing admit the truth. There was a satisfied smirk across Tamaris’s lips. The fact he was jealous of Cullen gave her hope. “So did you hear of my pregnancy or Cullen first?” She asked softly. 

“Your relationship with the Commander came to my attention first, the pregnancy shortly after.” Solas was holding back the jealousy he still felt over the matter, but Tamaris could hear the bitterness in his words. “I assumed, I am sure like many did… that he was your child’s father but then the reports said you had an elven child… not elf-blooded… I knew the truth of the matter. That she was my child. Though, I heard all sorts of rumors including one rather amusing that implied that Iron Bull was the child’s father..” 

Tamaris let out a low, highly amused chuckle. “It was likely started by Bull himself.” Tamaris joked. “He did claim for a few days, in jest, that he was Shivana’s father.” Solas smirked as he shook his head. “I mean, it was funny at first… everyone was just trying to make me feel better about the situation.” 

“I know” Solas replied softly. “It is all my doing, all the pain, sadness and hurt.” His tone was so mournful it pulled at Tamaris. She scooted closer to Solas and rested her head on his shoulder. His arm slipped around her waist without either of them giving much thought to the actions. This is how they had spent many evenings by the fire during their time on mission together. Tamaris laced her fingers between his as released in the feel of his sweater under her cheek. Solas smiled softly for a moment, his thumb brushing the back of her hand before bringing it to his lips and kissing it. “Ir ablass, Vhenan…” He muttered against her soft skin. His eyes closed as he lowered their hands back to his lap as he spoke. “If I knew about everything before I left…” 

“We can not dwell on the ‘what if’, Solas.” Tamaris mumbled as buried her face against the soft knitted fabric of the tunic he always wore. “All we can do now, is find a way forward…” 

“What if there is no way forward?” The weight to his words were like a great hammer hitting Tamaris in the chest. Her breath caught in her throat as she wondered was that really a true statement. It couldn’t be, there had to be some hope. It’s all that had kept her going in the early days, still the hope of having her family whole one day kept her going. Solas sighed heavily and Tamaris shook her head. “There is so much you do not know, that if you knew…” he tried to explain but Tamaris wouldn’t hear it.

“Solas, there is nothing that you could tell me that would change my feelings.” Her declaration cut him off. The fact that fear still held him back upset her. “When have I shown you that I am anything but a rational, understanding woman…” 

Solas let out an amused but stifled chuckle. “I can think of several moments, but still… this is not you and Vivane arguing over the merits of the Circle.” He hesitated as he gazed down at Tamaris. He let out a long sigh before urging Tamaris to sit up. “Before I tell you anything, promise you will let me finish before you get upset and storm off…” 

As she sat up Tamaris nodded her head slowly as she watched Solas’s expression hardened for a moment as he willed himself to finally speak the words he had tried to say so many times before. He steadied himself with another deep breath as he began. “I remember you telling me that both your Grandmothers were Keepers of their respective clans… am I right?” Tamaris nodded, as did Solas before continuing. “So you heard many tales of all the Evanuris no doubt?”

“Yes, Solas, we have talked about this all before.” Tamaris pointed out a little confused. This had been a start to many of their conversations during their relationship. Tamaris began to wonder just how many times he had tried to tell her whatever deep secret he had held onto for so long. “Solas, I swear we have had this conversation before.” 

“I know, and we nearly have but there is a point to this…” Solas was getting a little flustered that Tamaris had interrupted him. He took a moment to focus his thoughts and continued, “So you have at least heard some of the tales of Fen’Harel…” 

“What little there is about him, other than he is the Trickster, the Liar… the great betrayer… he is the Dread Wolf… I know the Dalish keep wolf statues outside our camps. Mathras was afraid of it, I thought it was silly to be afraid of statue. I used to go sit by it and read because it was the only time he let me be on my own.” They both chuckled softly lightening the tense moment. Solas actually smiled a genuine smile for a passing moment. Tamaris sighed, “It was one of my many hiding places. Everyone said I was an odd child for it, the clan elders said it was because I was a dreamer. They blamed anything odd I did as a child on that.” Solas was watching her expressions carefully. The fact she didn’t seem afraid or upset while speaking of Fen’Harel gave him a glimmer of hope. She smiled before giving a little shrug, “Really, the only story I ever remember hearing was one my father told the other hunters when he was drunk, he only ever told the tale when he was drunk..” Tamaris shook her head as she tried to recall the tale. “It was something about Andrul catching Fen’Harel hunting her Halla, then some fight with a Forgotten One… What was his name…”

“Anaris..” Solas interjected sharply.

“Yes… that’s right.” Tamaris said with a smile. “My mother would get so upset when he would tell it. My father made is all sound so torrid. He would shoo Mathras and I off if he ever caught us listening..” It was a happy memory from her childhood, one of her favorite in fact. “I do not think I have heard anyone else tell it. Just my father.”

Solas’s jaw clenched like he was recalling an unpleasant event as Tamaris stumbled through recounting the bits of the one tale of Fen’Harel she knew. “The truth of tale is far more sinister than some torrid story to tell drunk hunters, I can assure you of that.” 

Tamaris looked confused as she tried to understand what Solas ment. It had happened before, he would say something that just didn’t line up. “Oh, so you saw the real thing here… in some memory?” She asked rather confused about what any of this had to do with why he could not return. “Solas, this makes no sense… What does Fen’Harel… and stories my father used to tell drunk have anything to do with why you can not return to me, to Shivana?” 

“Everything…” Solas said flatly before taking Tamaris’s hands. He hesitated as he looked at her hands, his eyes focused in on the Anchor for a brief moment. Slowly, his eyes lifted. He let out a heavy sigh, resounding himself to finally tell her the truth, “I am Fen’Harel, I was Solas first, they gave me the name of Fen’Harel to mark me, because I would not bow, thinking it would make me hate myself but I took and made it something more.” Tamaris’s eyes grew wide, she didn’t question the statement at all. It was almost like all things that had been odd about the man she loved suddenly fell into place. She pulled her hands away from in shock, her brain still trying to process the information that she had just been given, but Solas took it as fear. He began trying to explain almost in a frantic manner. “I wanted to free my people from the tyranny of those who sought to enslave them, because they had gone too far.” Tamaris was even more confused but tried her best to listen. “They killed Mythal, for power… not out of spite or anger… but for power the worst kind of power. By her own children no less, while Elgar'nan stood and watched. Letting them because he was the worst of them.” His voice was filled with centuries of pent up anger. “No one did anything. No one was punished…” 

“So you took matters into your own hands?” Tamaris asked weakly. 

Solas nodded. “At first, I had planned to kill them all.”

“I do not believe that… you were never one to view death as an answer.” The Solas Tamaris knew lectured Mathras more than once about losing his temper and needing to step back and view the situation without attachment or emotions. Thinking back on those conversations and others like them, Tamaris wondered if he was trying to stop them from making the same mistakes he had. 

“It’s kind of you to still think so much of me, but it was my first instinct.” Solas sighed as he looked down at his hands thinking of how much he had changed. Lifting his head he refocused his attention on Tamaris. “I was younger then, headstrong, full of rage.” His tone was so matter of fact, like he wasn’t even speaking of himself. “I came to my senses though, after some missteps and failed attempts. Killing the first of our people is not an easy feat.” 

“But, I thought that they were immortal, how could they even kill Mythal?” Tamaris felt odd that in this moment the only things that stumbled out of her mouth were more questions, that would only lead to more questions.

Solas let out offhanded huff at her question, he often forgot for all her wisdom she had still been raised Dalish. With most of their ancestors history lost to them. “Our people had a natural, intrinsic connection to the Fade. The connection gave us immortality of a kind before the Veil was lifted. Though we were still mortal, could be killed in battle, murdered, illness was very uncommon but not unheard of. Death, just was not common place.” He explained as he watched Tamaris as she sat in shock. He could see her struggling to grasp everything she was being told.”There is more,” He continued and Tamaris threw her hands up in disbelief.  _ How could there even be more? _ Her mind was already barely keeping up.

A long sigh escaped his soft lips as Solas turned away from the flustered Tamaris. He brought a hand to the bridge of his nose and pitched it trying to think of how best to tell her, he had already told her so much and he could see she was starting to get overwhelmed. Without looking up he began, his hand slowly lowering from his face as he spoke. “I created the Veil to trap the ‘Gods’ to stop them from destroying the world with their lust for power… it was my last resort to save my people. I did not know that it would cost our people everything…” By the time he had finished speaking Solas watched as Tamaris’s eyes become glossed over with horror and sadness. He reached out and too her hands once more trying to get her to look at him as he spoke, trying to make her see. “I have to fix this mistake, I need to restore our people. Give us back everything we lost.” 

No sooner did he speak the truth did Tamaris have the stark realization that Solas likely had a major part in the Breech. Instantly she stood up, her body stiff her arms crossed defensively in front of her chest. Her eyes darted down to the Anchor on her left hand. Her mouth twisted into angry snarl. “You did it for yourself… you were behind it all…” Her voice was filled with confusion and rage. “The Temple of Sacred Ashes… Corypheus.. The Anchor…” She stammered her heart racing as her eyes shot up at him looking at him for answers. 

He quickly stood and reached out to try and calm her but Tamaris snatched her hand away. “I had not intention for any of that to happen, for you or your brother to get involved… any one for that matter.” Solas’s tone was desperate, pleading as he tried to get her to listen but Tamaris was just shaking her head as tears now streamed down her cheeks. “Corypheus was supposed to die in the blast, I was going to claim the anchor for myself…” 

“But I was there and destroyed your plans, took the Anchor you wanted… so what you decided to seduce me? To what? Get it back? Use me?” The pain in her voice could be felt it was so strong. She doubled over as she let out a guttural scream of anguish. “It was all lies… everything…” Tamaris’s head was spinning as balled losing herself to her own anguish. 

Seeing her reaction was almost too much for Solas to bare, he had known she would be hurt, but he never expected the normally composed woman to crumble before him. He never wanted to hurt her, of all people.  _ I must fix this.. _ He told himself as he reached out and gripped her arms. “No!” Solas declared emphatically as he pulled her up and made her look at him. Tamaris turned her head away in defiance , yet Solas continued anyway. “I had no intentions of entering into any relationship or anything of the sort. Not with you or anyone else. I wanted to stop the breech and try to free you of this burden.” All his guards were down, something Tamaris had only seen when they had been locked in another kind of embrace. 

His hands gripped her shoulders tighter than he intended but she wasn’t sobbing quite so hard.  _ She is at least listening. _ He told himself. He rubbed her shoulders as he continued. “Then, you came to me. Curious and kind. Willing to listen, and learn.” A brief smile flashed across his lips as he recalled just why he had fallen so deeply for her. “You were a dreamer, something I thought had died out in this world. I had wandered this world of yours for a year before I found the Inquisition and not once had I found someone who understood what was at stake.” His eyes watched as Tamaris’s expression softened urging him to continue, 

“I had given up all hope of finding anything in this tranquil world that would give me a reason to save it, then you come in and take me by surprise. So bright, full of a life I had not seen in ages, and the most beautiful creature I had laid my eyes on in a thousand years…” Tamaris was still sobbing only softer as Solas spoke, her face still turned away. His hands ran down her shoulders and over her arms before he lifted one hand to turn her face towards his. “Everything you and I had was real, when I said the you made me feel like the whole world changed… I was not lying.. It did change.” His hand reached up and caressed her cheek. “Ar lath ma, Vhenan.” His words shook Tamaris, she had longed to hear those words from his lips for over a year. _Not like this though, _Tamaris told herself. Yet she leaned into his touch as he spoke again, “ I have never lied to you, Vhenan, I swear it.” He brushed away the tears that stained Tamaris’s pale cheeks as she tried to muster the will to push him away. 

Her hands moved to his chest, her bottom lip quivered as she choked out. “You did though.” Tamaris pushed him back weakly. Solas reached out and tried to grasp her hand but Tamaris clutched her hand to her chest as her eyes narrowed in on him. She was hurt but she still cared for Solas. Her emotions were tearing her apart, leaving only sadness to come through as she spoke. “You lied by not telling me who you really were before I fell in love with you, before we had a child together!” It wasn’t the fact that he was Fen’Harel, a figure she viewed as a god for most of her life that that upset her. It was that he thought she wouldn’t have understood, or listened to him. “Do you not think I should have known my who my child’s father was? Really was?” Her expression softened as her heart willed her to take a step forward as she waited for his answer. 

Solas reached out and tried to take her hand again but Tamaris shook her head and pulled her hand away. She wanted her answers. Her jaw clenched as she waited. Solas let out a long sigh, “Vhenan, I tried.” There was a hint of defeat in his voice as he admitted this. “So many times I tried to tell you but I was so afraid of losing you.” Tamaris was caught off guard when he stepped forward and took her hand before she had a chance to pull away. He looked deep into her eyes. “That day, in Crestwood. I swear I was going to tell you everything…”

“What stopped you?” Her tone was softer than just moments before but there was still the bite of anger to her words. 

“You…” Solas uttered softly. “Looking at me like you are now. I thought it would be kinder to end things than put you through this…” 

“Then why did you come to my room weeks later? Why did you lay with me again then leave like you did?” Tamaris asked the sadness building her voice again as Solas took her other hand. 

He shrugged and shook his head. “Because I am a weak man… I missed you, longed to have just one more night as things were…” It had been such a night, it was also the night that Shivana was likely conceived. This was a fact they were both more than aware of. “I will never regret that weakness though,” 

“Shivana…” Tamaris said softly. Solas nodded and gave her a weak smile. “Why did you leave? If you would have said come with me, I would have. I still would.” 

“I know, Vhenan.” He began, his hand reaching up and pushing a few stray strands of hair behind her ear. “You do not know what it would mean, this is not the life for our child.” 

“You want to restore our people? Give us back what we have lost? Yes?” Tamaris questioned as she started to try and piece together a plan for them to be able to move forward together as a family. Solas nodded solemnly. “For our daughter?” She leaned in as she spoke softly. Her hand still in his. 

His eyes grew heavy with sorrow, “I want her to have all she deserves, all that is her birthright.” 

“Then let us do this together, as it should have been.” Tamaris said still unsure it was a path she was ready to head down herself. Solas shook his head. “You will need the Anchor…” 

“I will more than likely kill you…” Solas stated softly. He knew the truth, that there was no one but him who could have born the mark and lived, even if she did not help him she would still likely die do the effects. Solas had his theories why Tamaris was able to wield it wish such little damage for so long. He feared, however, that they were on borrowed time. He had been searching for any solution to the unique problem the Anchor presented, but what he had found was unthinkable to do to the woman he loved. He had made a promise to find another way. 

It’s going to kill me if I help you or not, right?” Tamaris asked softly and Solas nodded mournfully. “Then let me die knowing my daughter is going to have a chance at the life she should have had…” Tamaris suggestion had the tinge of self destruction that caused Solas to scowl at her. “If I must die..” 

“No.” Solas said shaking his head. “We will find another way, if you join me I am not having you follow me to your death. Our daughter needs her mother, I will fix this… I will fix us...” His hand cupped her face as she gazed up at him. As upset as she still was, Tamaris leaned forward and pressed her lips against his catching Solas off guard. His hand tangled in her hair, pulling the carefully knotted bun loose as his other hand slipped around her waist, pulling her against him. He broke the kiss for a moment. “I promise you, no more secrets… everything I know, you will know.” Tamaris nodded as she slipped her arms around his neck, her hands running up the back of his neck, up his smooth head pulling him back into the kiss.

Tamaris had longed to kiss him for what seemed like a lifetime, all the hurt and anger aside she still wanted him more than anything else. Pulling back Tamaris smiled softly. “I want us to be together again… for real… where are you? I will take Shivana…” Her eagerness to reunite, so easily tossing any thought of Cullen aside made Solas smirk for a moment silently acknowledging that  _ I won.  _ Though he knew, she would have always returned. Cullen or no Cullen. 

His smile faded as he shook his head. “Not yet, vhenan…” His voice was filled with sadness. “I wish I could come to you in this moment and take my family back, but first I need to settle a few matters and make sure everything will be in place for you and Shivana when it is time.” Tamaris rested her head against his shoulder as she gazed up at him. “So, you need to just take care of our girl, stay with her when you are in the Fade. I will come to you.” Tamaris nodded though she wondered how she was going to be able to go about her life knowing that she had a future with Solas, a real one. 

“But what about Cullen…” Tamaris asked softly. 

Solas shrugged. “It could be some time before things are in order and we may have a use for the information he has access too.” Tamaris wasn’t fond of the idea of using Cullen but she nodded her head nonetheless. Solas leaned in and placed a tender peck on her cheek. “Shall we go back to Shivana?” Tamaris smiled nervously and nodded as she took his hand once more wondering what exactly she had gotten herself into. 


	2. Da'Ean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weeks pass and Shivana's birthday arrives. With the party being turned into a political affair, it leaves Tamaris longing to see Solas in the fade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A / N: This is just some fluff, with feels… and there some plot points but I wanted something fluffy at its core for this middle bit because we need more fluff in all our lives right!? I love Solas and Lavellan having a baby… it’s tropey I know but I love it… It’s my brand of trash… anyway, this is my best like domestic fluff with Tamaris and Solas in the fade.

In the weeks since her first encounter with Solas in the Fade, he returned as promised nearly every night. Tamaris still struggled to grasp the depth of what Solas had told her of his past and plans for the future. He had explained a little more about his plans each night. While Tamaris saw the reasoning behind his goal to restore The People to their former place in the world. To her, tearing down the Veil and remaking the world couldn’t be the only way for them to achieve this. Solas told her it was but Tamaris knew there had to be a better way. 

She had been spending most of her waking hours in the Rotunda, in Solas’s old study that was now hers. Her position with the Inquisition was largely research-oriented, taking on many of the duties that Solas once held. Tamaris spending hours in the study, her nose buried in a book was not something uncommon. Most around her just assumed she was deep into research and not that she was carefully planning her part in her love’s rebellion. Tamaris spent each day at Solas's old desk, looking up at the murals that he had painted during his time at Skyhold. Studying his notes while Shivana played on a blanket nearby with her dolls, blissfully unaware of what her mother was planning. 

Tamaris was going to leave the Inquisition and everything she had known. Or rather that was her end goal. There was much work she still had to do first. Solas had positioned her as the main point of contact for his Agents already in place within the organization. It was a role that Tamaris was uncomfortable with at first, thinking she was going to have managed a decent-sized group, but really it was just three people who came to her most often. A young scout that only just joined, an older mage that had come into the fold with the Mages from the Circle and a quiet former Dalish serving woman, near Tamaris’s age, who worked in the kitchens. Though Tamaris suspected that Solas had more agents still hidden throughout the whole of Thedas.

The agents were all kind to her when they spoke but looked at her with fear in their eyes. Tamaris knew that they likely didn’t fear her directly. She was not known for being harsh or unpleasant to deal with. Rather, they feared displeasing Fen’Harel was a more likely answer. Of three agents it was Lenan, the former Dalish kitchen servant, that Tamaris took a liking to the most. Each afternoon she would bring Tamaris her tea and under the pot always a note. With all the latest gossip from the servents. Lenan would often sit and chat with Tamaris just about life and the events of the day. Simple conversation but it was usually one of the highlights of Tamaris's day. Lenan would always stop and greet Shivana as well. Offering her a sweet she had hidden the pocket of her apron with a warm smile. Once, Lenan had mentioned that she had once had a little girl, but a sickness took both her child and her husband years before. Tamaris felt for the woman and offered the opportunity to spend more time with Shivana. Which Lanan happily accepted. 

Lenan started lending Tamaris a hand with keeping track of Shivana, who had taken her first steps just days before she celebrated her first birthday. Though, Tamaris knew she had actually done it several nights before in The Fade when Solas had appeared in the treeline and Shivana spotted him. She pushed herself up onto on unsteady feet and toddled over to him, giggling the whole time. Solas had been so proud of her, the look on his face as he bent down to pick her up was an image Tamaris would never forget. His eyes bright and filled with joy. A broad smile plastered across his face.  _ That’s the man I fell in love with. _ She had told herself at that moment. It was a memory that Tamaris couldn’t share. It was, however, one she cherished above all else and would for the rest of her life. 

On Shivana’s birthday, Skyhold was bursting with activity. Josephine had insisted on organizing an elaborate celebration for the event. Nobels, dignitaries and all manner of important figure in the political landscape of Thedas funneled into the keep to Celebrate the little girl’s first year of life. Even Varric had returned from Kirkwall for the occasion. As per usual, Dorian had attempted to micromanage every detail of the event. From the food to the clothes that ‘his family’ would wear, and even what colors the hall had been decorated in for the event. All had to be up to Dorian’s exacting standards. Tamaris thought it was all too much, repeatedly saying. “She is still so young, she will likely not even remember any of this..”

However, Dorian, backed by Josephine, explained that it wasn’t the point of an event like this. The point was, “To show the world that survived… you have locked yourself away in Skyhold for years now. This is your return to the world’s stage.” An idea that made Tamaris’s stomach turned. When time came for the party, Tamaris dressed in the opulent, deep purple dress that Dorian had sent in from the finest seamstress in Val Royeaux. Shivana was dressed in a matching gown of her own, though it was a pale silver rather than the deep purple. Cullen has not been left out of this family textile fueled nightmare. Even he had a suit that matched Mathras’s which Cullen was not happy about, in the least. He grumbled the whole time he dressed and Tamaris couldn’t help but sympathize as she struggled to get Shivana into her dress. The fabrics were heavy and embroidered with metallic threads, which caused them to be more style over comfort. Which should have been a hint at how the events of the night would unfold.

The party itself was not an event for a small child. Most of the guests were adults. They all brought gifts that were far too lavish and not practical. Save a few from Tamaris’s closest companions. Sera made a bright yellow blanket, which Shivana snatched up as soon it was handed her and rubbed it against her cheek. Varric gave the most thoughtful gift, he wrote a children’s story just for Shivana based off an old Dalish story from Clan Sabrae. This was something the writer had sworn he would never do, but he could not think of a more fitting gift for his dear friend’s child. The story was one that his friend Merril told him about a young girl who wished to join the Emerald Knights and the trials she endured to achieve her goal. Tamaris was near tears as she flipped through the pages of the book to see a little girl, that looked quite like her daughter featured in the drawing in the book. Varric was a little flustered by her reaction and tried to pass off most of the credit. “Merril and Bianca helped me with the pictures, I am a writer, not a damned artist. Really it’s not even my story… I just wrote the words down...” Tamaris didn’t say anything more than thank you as she hugged him. 

As the party continued late into the night, Shivana quickly grew overtired and cranky. When the point was reached that little Shivana had too much, it was Cullen who came to Tamaris, as she was catching up with Briala at the time. He had Shivana screaming in his arms, one arm out of her dress as she fought against Cullen trying to hold her. Tamaris apologize profusely to Briala, but her friend understood that her daughter was quite done with the affair.

“I’m going to put her to bed…” Was all she had intended to say to Cullen but his offer to go with her caused her to pause. It was odd, a few months prior she would have begged him to come with her not wanting to wage the nightly battle to get the headstrong little girl into bed herself. Yet, now that she knew that she would see Solas again in the Fade it felt odd to fall asleep in Cullen’s arms only to wake in the Fade to run into Solas’s. What she often found more upsetting was that she would rather spend more of her time asleep, in the Fade with Solas than awake living the life she had built with Cullen. Tamaris put on her best smile for him. “No, stay… Varric is going to get a game of Wicked Grace going… enjoy yourself, Cullen. We will be fine, I am just as tired as she is. I just hold it together better.” Cullen nodded and kept his thoughts to himself. 

Tamaris knew Cullen had growing suspicions that something had changed in the past few weeks.  _ How could he not?  _ She often asked herself. Tamaris was almost always sleeping when he returned to their rooms. They barely spoke or even saw each other. They hadn’t been intimate in weeks. He suspected that he did something wrong, overstepped with Shivana or something of the sort but it was far simpler.    
  


She wanted to be with Solas. It was becoming harder for Tamaris to maintain her relationship with Cullen with each passing day. Each time he held her hand or kissed her cheek, she felt like she was betraying the man she really loved. Tamaris longed for it all to be over, but Solas had his carefully thought out plan.  _ Everything in due course. _

Tamaris spent the next hour trying to settle the now, one year down. Shivana was over-tired and fed far too much sugar by her ‘Uncle Dorian’ during the party. It took sitting in the rocking chair that Thom Rainier had made her before he left to join the Grey Wardens, as himself this time. It was the first gift she had been given for Shivana and it had proved the most useful. Before too long, the little girl was asleep, clutching the bright yellow blanket that Sera had given her. Tamaris took a moment to settle Shivana in her crib before climbing into her own bed a few feet away. 

After tossing and turning for nearly another hour, Tamaris finally drifted off to the Fade. 

When she awoke, the first thing she noticed was the forest she awoken was not the one she had created. It was still a forest, but it was like none that Tamaris had seen before. The trees were older and taller than most she had seen. The air was thick with the smell of sap and a flowery scent she couldn’t place her finger on. There was a small path that led deeper into the woods. Tamaris followed the path lit by soft glowing blue lanterns. The joyous echos of Shivana’s laughter could be heard long before Tamaris could see her as she made her way through the densely wooded forest. While Shivana was a happy child in most people’s opinions. When she was with her father, it was a different type of joy. It was untainted but the outside world. He could make her laugh in ways even Cullen or Dorian, who were Shivana’s favorite people, could not. Solas had a way with her, that was just an unexplainable connection between parent and child. Her eyes were brighter when she was with him and it reinforced to Tamaris that she was making the right choice. 

The path led to a clearing with a small cottage in an architecture style Tamaris didn’t recognize. It reminded her of some of the ancient elven ruins she had seen, but it was far less complex in design. She was trying to figure out where Shivana and Solas had gone off to as she wandered through the clearing. Then out of the corner of her eye. Tamaris spotted Shivana toddling around the corner of the house. Solas following a step behind her watching her as she explored. A warm smile grew across Tamaris’s lips once she spotted them. Seeing them together never ceased to make her heart swell with pride. Her only wish was that it was more than just in the Fade. She wanted to see her daughter as happy as she was in her dreams, every day.  _ Soon, a few months more than we will be together. _ She reminded herself that there was going to be an end to this and they would be together. 

Tamaris stayed back for a few moments. She watched as Solas doted upon their daughter. Till as they meandered around the house Solas noticed Tamaris standing there. He smiled lovingly at her and lent down, scooping up Shivana in his arms. His hand lifted as he pointed over towards Tamaris. “Look, Mamae’s here.” He kissed her cheek as he balanced her on his hip, carrying her with him over to greet Tamaris. His free hand went to her waist as he leaned in a placed a quick peck on her cheek. “How was the party?” He asked with a hint of smugness in his voice that made Tamaris want to hit him for a moment. She settled with an eye roll and a disapproving huff. “Oh, it could not be that bad?”

  
  


Tamaris smirked as she leaned over and kissed Shivana’s cheek. Shifting her attention back to Solas. A bemused chuckle escaped her lips. “Dorian had matching outfits made for the five of us.” Her tone was light yet, there was an unmistakable bitterness in her voice as she spoke. Solas was quite amused at the idea. He was holding back laughter which just earned him a scowl from Tamaris. “I would not laugh if I were you, remember regardless of what happens Solas. Dorian is still family now. He and Mathras seem to have a rather permanent arrangement. You already know his feelings on your general taste in clothing.” Her laughter was light like a songbird’s call. “I love Dorian really, but I would rather leave my wardrobe up to my own choosing.” 

Solas gave her a rather smug glance as his hand moved up her back. “He does not even know my actual taste in clothing.” Solas protested as Tamaris let out a soft chuckle as she smirked up at him. 

Shivana began to squirm in Solas’s arms eager to get down and back to exploring. “Alright, da’ean.” He mumbled softly as his hand slipped from around Tamaris as he turned away to set Shivana back down on the ground. As soon as her bare feet hit the soft grass she was off. While she wasn’t the fastest she did make it up with enthusiasm, clapping her hands as she laughed excitedly. 

How Tamaris longed for this to be what life was always like.  _ Just enjoy this moment, the rest will come _ . Tamaris reminded herself as Solas took her hand. Her gaze shifted upwards. Solas had a soft smile playing on his lips as Tamaris leaned in resting her head against his arms. “So, did she at least enjoy the party?” Solas asked weary of the answer he was likely going to receive. 

“Not really.” Tamaris began. “I really do not think it was meant for her, it was more like her birthday was another event in Mathras’s attempt to play the Game.” Solas scowled briefly. Tamaris just nodded and shrugged, “Trust me, I am not thrilled about this either.”

“Why would your brother agree to such nonsense in the first place?” Solas asked as he glanced back towards Shivana who was looking at some wildflowers just a few feet away. 

Tamaris shrugged again. “He thinks if he gains some standing in Orlais and Fereldan that when Dorian is eventually forced to return to Tevinter that he, a Dalish Elf, will be able to walk into Minrathous without issue.” Tamaris knew her brother loved Dorian, but there was no way they were going to be able to have some life together in Tevinter. Their society was far from progressive, and that was just about Elves. The rest was another matter entirely. As much as Dorian jested he would just name Shivana his heir one day and really cause problems among Magisterium, Tamaris knew it was only a jest. Mathras still believed it could become truth. 

Scoffing slightly as he shook his head Solas looked down at Tamaris. “He is a fool… a moron even.” Solas pointed out sharply. It wasn’t that Solas disliked Mathras. He was actually quite fond of him, he had a good heart but a hot temper and was blinded by the appeal of wealth and status. A combination that Solas could relate to on a personal level. He had tried to show the young man the errors of letting his pride get the better of him. Mathras was a stubborn man, Tamaris was stubborn in her own way but she was not as inflexible as her brother had become during his time as Inquisitor. Solas let out another groan. “He really is far too stubborn for his own good.”

“I know, but he is in love…” Tamaris added with a small smile as she placed a hand on his chest. Solas rolled his eyes dismissively. Noticing this Tamaris pulled back and looked at him wide-eyed, her lips pursed together for a moment before she elaborated. “You know, I want his foolish plan to actually work.” 

Solas laughed softly as he leaned in to kiss her, with his lips nearly brushed against hers as he smirked. “I know, but that does not mean it will.” His lips brushed against Tamaris’s lips for a moment. It felt like such a normal moment between a happy couple just going about their lives. For the briefest moments, Tamaris forgot they were in the fade as she stood there looking up at him blissfully. Solas’s gaze moved back to Shivana as she wandered around the clearing enjoying her little bit of freedom. 

A happy sigh escaped her lips as Tamaris turned to watch their daughter play noticing the smile growing on Solas’s lips. “I am glad she is at least happy here,” Tamaris noted mournfully.

Solas slipped his arms around her waist as he rested his chin on her shoulder. “What do you mean?” Though he had never seen his daughter outside of the Fade, he had assumed she was just as happy during her waking hours. He watched as Tamaris’s gaze never left their daughter. He ran a hand across her stomach trying to get her to look at him. “Vhenan,” he uttered softly finally getting her attention. 

There were reasons Tamaris didn’t want to tell Solas what she meant. She knew that it would only hurt him, but he was a persistent man. As she let out a heavy sigh as she turned around to face him. Solas’s hands now resting on the small of her back. “Ma’lath,” Tamaris muttered as she went to kiss him but Solas shook his head and gave her a stern glare. “It’s complicated…” Tamaris grumbled as she turned her face away from his. 

His hands slipped from around her before he took her hands. “Show me…” he insisted looking deep into her eyes. Tamaris shook her head trying to dismiss him but Solas wanted to understand. “You know how to show me memories, show me the party.” His tone was soft but had a commanding tone that made Tamaris feel as if she had no choice in the matter.

Her head nodded weakly as she glanced back over to Shivana. “At least let us bring her, so she can dream that you were there…” There was a sadness that seeped through each of her words. Solas nodded but said nothing. Tamaris felt nervous as she walked the few feet to where Shivana was looking at a log on the ground. She smiled brightly at her daughter as leaned down. “Bae wants to see your party… should we show him?” Tamaris asked the child in a vaguely sing-song voice. The child giggled as she reached out for Solas who was walking up behind Tamaris. Shivana giggled as her tiny hands reached longingly out for her father. “Oh so Mae is nothing now, I see… go on… go to your Bae…” Tamaris teased as Solas smiled smugly lifting his daughter from her mother’s arms. 

He was quite pleased with how much Shivana had taken to him. She rested her head against his chest as she reached out towards his face with her hand. Solas smiled broadly as he captured her hand, “Hello, da’ean..” he beamed before kissing her fingertips. He glanced up at Tamaris who was watching, smiling. 

“She loves you, you know that…” Tamaris’s words weren’t meant to cut at Solas but they did. His smile waived for a moment as he glanced at Shivana who was still staring at him intently. 

“I know…” He muttered kissing her little fingers again. 

Tamaris nodded and smiled. “Good…” She noted bluntly before turning her back to Solas. “Remember that…” Her words were soft and they weren’t meant for Solas to hear but he did. Tamaris closed her eyes and slowly the world they had been standing in melted away and was replaced the warmth of Skyhold’s hall. 

It was Tamaris’s memory of the events of a few hours before. The hall was empty for the moment but decorated in pale pinks and soft silvers. The tables were covered with food and with a wave of her hand Tamaris was in a deep purple Orliasian gown. “Welcome to what I would have faced a Nightmare Demon again to avoid…” She gestured down to her gown, which was well made, beautiful but looked out of place on her. “I had to take a piss in this…. Just so you know.” She explained with a laugh. “Do you want to know how many people it took for me to piss wearing this dress? Do you know how much shit Sera gave me for having to hold this up while I squatted?” She asked gesturing to the large hooped skirt. 

Solas was standing back, still wearing his same sweater and leather breaches, holding their daughter still clad in her simple white dress, trying to do everything in his power not to laugh at her story and the dress in question. “You look beautiful..” He confessed softly. I was true, he did think she looked lovely. Though he always felt she looked beautiful and would still be beautiful if she clad in nothing but plaidweave. “What do you think, Shivana? Mae looked beautiful in that dress that was very obviously picked by Dorian.” He chuckled towards the end mention of Dorian, which Tamaris did not find amusing. 

“Uncle Dorian” Tamaris corrected quickly. 

Solas laughed softly and repeated. “Uncle Dorian... “

Her lips pursed as her arms folded in front of her chest. Her eyes closed again and when she opened them Solas was wearing the same outfit that Cullen had been forced to wear that night. It was similar in style to what they had worn to Celine’s ball, but the fabric was rich velvet, the tiny silver filigree throughout so that when it caught the light it seemed to sparkle. Shivana too was wearing her outfit from that night. A stunning silver dress, that actually looked quite darling on the child but was made of a horribly itchy fabric. Instantly Shivana started to wiggle in Solas’s arms trying to get out of the dress. She shook her head as she pulled the dress up over her head to take it off. Solas laughed softly. “I do not think she likes this dress..” With that Solas waved his hand and she was back in the simple white cotton sundress she had been wearing before. “Better?” He asked. 

Shivana giggled as she grabbed at the fancy jacket he wore before scowling again.  _ His scowl _ , Tamaris noted and so did Solas. He chuckled softly at her expression of dislike for the garment. “I do not care for it either.” He noted before the suit morphed into what Tamaris could only assume was what he wore in the days of Arlathan. The fabric of his tunic was rich, deep forest green silk. Trimmed with delicate gold piping. He wore black leather breaches Over his shoulder was a black wolf pelt, which drew Shivana’s attention. She twisted in her father’s arms as her hand ran through the fur. She giggled with delight as she ran her cheek against the soft fur.

Smiling deviously, Tamaris crossed her arms in front of her chest. “So, this is Fen’Harel…” There was amusement in her voice as she spoke, she had wondered for quite some time what the Dread Wolf really looked like. 

Much to Tamaris’s surprise, Solas shook his head. “No, this is what I wore most days before they gave me that name,” he explained as he watched Shivana rest her head on the fur in his shoulder. As Solas glanced back over at Tamaris. He smirked as her puffy Orliesian gown morphed into a flowing gown that he viewed far more fitting for such a beautiful woman. 

A bright smile grew across Tamaris’s lips as she ran her hands over the deep forest green silk. The neckline dipped low, between her breasts. A detail that made Tamaris blush as she gestured to her cleavage. Solas chuckled as a devilish smirk played on his lips. The rest of the dress was flowing. Tamaris felt very much like some sort of divine creature wearing it. “So, this is what you would have me wear?” Tamaris asked sheepishly taking a step closer to Solas who looked quite pleased with his choice. She wondered if this is what it would be like when they were reunited.

Solas reached out, placing his hand on her waist. Drawing her closer to him, her body pressed up against his. He was blissfully happy in that moment. It was a rare occurrence. Solas often felt as if he didn’t deserve the love Tamaris still had for him. He had hurt her. Abandoned her. Through all the pain her love for him remained. Fortune had smiled upon him that she was so blinded by love to give him another chance. Every day he promised himself he would be the man she loved, not the man he was. It was a promise that Solas knew he may one day break, but he pushed the dark thoughts from his mind to focus on the love that was surrounding him.

A content sigh escaped Solas’s lips before he finally answered Tamaris’s question. “If I had my way…” He teased. In a more serious tone, he finished, “I would be happy with whatever you choose to wear as long as you are comfortable.” He paused and looked at her questioning. “You are comfortable?” 

Tamaris laughed as she nodded, “Yes, it’s a lovely dress.” Her hand slipped up around his neck to the nape of his neck. Her hand applying a slight pressure to the back of his neck, urging Solas to lean down so she could place a sweet peck on his full lips. Solas thought that feeling her lips pressed against his that he would never grow tired of the feel of her lips on his. Solas let out a pleased chuff as Tamaris took a step back, taking his hands. “Now that we are properly dressed, shall we go to a party?” Tamaris tried to muster amusement in her voice as she spoke but there was trepidation as well. She knew the evenings’ affairs were sweet for moments but most would not be what Solas had hoped for. Tamaris only hoped that he would be understanding. She turned her back to him and focused all her thoughts on the events of the night. Like fog rolling in the room began to fill with spectral figures. Nobles whos faces Solas could not recall and the faces of a few of their old companions. 

The first thing Solas noted was there was not another child to be found. It appeared to be more of a grand ball than what little he recalled of children’s parties, though he assumed they may have changed some since his youth. There were hushed discussions in every corner and it took him a moment to find Tamaris, dressed in the puffy purple dress holding a rather sour-faced Shivana standing off in a corner looking panicked. Her eyes were wide, her lips drawn tight. Shivana was clutching on to her mother already overwhelmed by the affair. Her bright blue eyes looked upwards, pleading with her mother to leave this event before it had even truly begun. 

A wave of guilt washed over him,  _ this should have never happened. _ He noted silently.  _ I should have taken her with me. How did I not know she was pregnant? I left my family to lions.  _ Solas struggled to maintain his composure watching his daughter entrenched in fear over something that should have been a happy affair. 

Tamaris stood a few feet away watching herself, the sadness of recalling the event radiated off her like the heat from a fire. She was never one for balls or parties. Playing the grand game turned her stomach. Tamaris wished that she had been listened to about the event even more as she relieved it a second time.

Even Shivana was becoming as she watched the spectral version of herself. Confused and upset, Shivana turned her head away and buried it against the pelt on her father’s shoulder. Her hands clutching at the fabric of his tunic holding on to him as she had held onto her mother. Solas kissed the top of her head before whispering, “You are alright, da’ean.” Feeling her clutch on to him with so much fear, for the first time, rattled Solas as he held Shivana close. Wrapping both arms around her. “I have you, my sweet girl.”

Tamaris waved her hand. The echoes across the room shifted with the ease of smoke in the breeze. Crossing the hall Tamaris led to where she had sat earlier in the evening with Sera who held Shivana in her lap. “This was the happiest Shivana was all night.” 

Sera was bouncing Shivana in her lap, singing some ridiculous song that she was obviously making up as she went along. Krem and several of the other chargers sat around the table trying to entertain the small child with a set of nug plushies dressed in various garbs. One even had a set of horns and eyepatch. It made Solas chuckle softly. “Does she like them?” He asked softly walking up behind Tamaris.

She turned back for a moment, the movement of the echos still as her attention shifted away. “The toys or the Chargers?” 

“Both, I suppose?” He hadn’t thought if his daughter was fond of anyone really. He had assumed like most small children she like most people. 

Tamaris smiled broadly as she turned back to her memory. “Yes, to both.” She mused softly. “Krem makes her all these little plushies to play with, he says it gives him something to do. I think he loves to see her face when he walks into the rotunda with a new nug of some kinda for Shivana to play with. Dalish is really sweet with her, Grim has made laugh so hard she made herself sick because she finds the grunting highly amusing oddly enough… the rest of them are kind to her will go out of their way to get a giggle out of her.” Which the echos were doing at that moment. They were making silly faces and holding her new toy just out of reach for a moment till she tried to squirm out of Sera’s arm to reach it. 

Solas couldn’t help but notice how protective Sera was being with his daughter. Her eyes constantly darting around the room watching the movements of all who came near. Her arms were wrapped protectively around the child, her freckle covered cheek resting against the top of Shivana’s auburn curls. “Sera?” He asked Tamaris softly curious to know her relationship with his daughter. 

“Sera loves her, like her own flesh and blood.” There was smile playing on Tamaris’s lips and it could be heard in her voice. “Shivana likes that she usually has something good to eat.” The happiness in Tamaris’s voice was not lost on Solas. Tamaris shifted her attention and as she moved across the hall once more the scene shifted. 

Now, what played out before him was a slightly more distressing scene. Tamaris held Shivana in her arms. The child was sobbing and pulling at her mother’s dress. With a great deal of haste, she pushed through a crowd of people. Nobels, some with masks that marked them as Orliesain, others were more obviously Frelden. They all shot Tamaris dirty glances as pushed passed them. Their looks of disgust at his daughter’s distress caused Solas to seethe with anger enough that Tamaris turned back and watched him for a moment before asking. “Are you alright?” Solas nodded, unable to actually utter anything more than ‘mhm’ as he held their daughter closer. 

He rested his cheek against the top of Shivana’s head, the child hiding her face once more the uncomfortable memory. The spectral version of Tamaris had finally reached Mathras, who stood near Dorian as he told one of his lively stories to entertain the dignitaries. Her hand pulled at her thick fabric of her brother’s coat. Solas caught her asking, “Have you seen Cullen?” Her brother turned to her for a moment and gave her a look of disdain. It was like Mathras could not even be bothered by his sister’s troubles. 

“I haven’t a clue where he is, but could you do something about Shivana… the guests are starting to get uncomfortable.” Her brother spoke sharply to her. It something Solas had witnessed before. It has always unnerved him how Tamaris would just bow to her brother’s wishes when she was the one with the real power. He had spent so much time building her confidence during their relationship, he had thought that she would be able to retain it but from the exchange with Mathras it was obvious she had fallen into old habits. 

The look on her face as Mathras turned away ripped at Solas’s heart. Her eyes held back tears, her lips drew tight and thin as she took a deep breath trying to steady herself. Solas didn’t question the exchange as he had the others. It was very obvious what had happened. Walking up behind her he leaned forward and kissed her bare shoulder. “Ir abelas, Vhenan.” He murmured against her skin. The guilt over his absence overwhelming him for a moment. 

Tamaris cleared her throat as she turned to him. A smile crossed her lips briefly as Shivana looked up at her. A hand lifted and she trailed her fingers along his jaw, her smile turning mournful. “Ir abelas sul ahn ju'garas.” Her tone was soft but filled with regret. Solas looked at her confused as to why she was apologizing to him but Tamaris just shook her head as she turned away. Things shifted once more. 

They were now off in the Garden where Cullen had taken refuge from the party. Tamaris was walking briskly with Shivana, now screaming loudly, tossing her head back having quite the fit. Tamaris looked as if she was crying as well. Cullen raced towards them having leaped from his perch on a bench as soon as he heard Shivana’s cries. “Please, Cullen… just take her… I can’t do this.” Tamaris’s voice shook as Cullen took Solas’s daughter from her mother’s arms. Shivana went to him willingly, as she wanted him more than she wanted to be held by her mother any longer. 

A sharp stab of guilt hit Solas like lightning bolt as he saw how quickly Shivana settled in Cullen’s arms,  _ He is the only father she has known, who is at fault for that? _ Solas asked himself as he looked at his daughter who was smiling up at him, her hand reaching up and brushing against his jaw. “Da’ean.” He muttered softly as he kissed the top of her head and cherished the fact she was at least safe in  _ his _ arms in the Fade. 

Turning his attention back to the scene, Solas’s icy blue eyes narrowed in on the other man’s face. It was filled with concern and love.  _ The look of a man, looking at his family.  _ An anger he did not expect began to slowly fester deep within the darkest place of his soul. 

Cullen bounced Shivana with one arm trying to calm her as he pulled Tamaris into a tender embrace. “I told Josiephine that this was a bad idea.” He grumbled angrily as Tamaris looked up at him, tears still streaming down her face. This only seemed to upset Cullen more, seeing his heart so upset at that moment Solas could not help but relate to his anger. 

Cullen took a deep breath and looked down at Tamaris with a weary gaze. “You at the very least have to go back.” He didn’t want to point this fact out, that was plain but was something that needed to be said. Tamaris scowled and shook her head in protest mumbling before Cullen cut her off. “It’s only for a short while longer, but you have to play along.” Tamaris looked upset, like that was not what she had hoped to hear. A scowl grew across her face and Cullen scoffed. “You are still the Herald of Andraste. That means something to the people in there.” He gestured with free his hand towards the hall and Tamaris looked deeply upset. There was tension in the looks they gave each other, tensions that were not new. 

Tamaris’s eyes narrowed in on Cullen as she scowled. “It means nothing.” She snarled as she turned away almost storming off. For a moment Solas was proud for the first time that night, she seemed to attempt to stand up to someone. Something stopped her though. The heal of the pointed shoe she wore dug into the dirt as Tamaris turned around and gestured to Shivana. “Just, keep her out here or better yet, take her to our rooms because I know she is tired,” Tamaris added and Cullen gave her a warm smile. Tamaris didn’t return it, her eyes only focusing on Shivana.

Bouncing Shivana in his arms, Cullen beamed down at her. “We got this? Right pumpkin?” Shivana looked up in Solas’s arm’s hearing Cullen’s nickname for her. It was a small, instinctual thing that made Solas taking in a long, deep breath as his eyes closed. Cullen has his own pet name for it, it was something so small that it should not have bothered him as deeply as it did. Solas for the briefest of moments thought that was the worst of what he would witness that night. 

Cullen shifted Shivana in his arms to lift her up and smile brightly as he got her to giggle. “That’s my girl. Daddy swoops in and saves the day? Right, my little pumpkin...” Cullen’s voice stung deeper than any blade. Hearing Cullen call himself Shivana’s father was a thing Solas never thought of before that moment. He had assumed that he was just ‘Cullen’ and nothing more.

It wasn’t unknown to him that Cullen had assumed a certain role in his daughter’s life. Tamaris never hid that from him but he also never asked for details. Thus leaving him rather unaware of the depth that Cullen had embedded himself into their lives. That was his own fault. 

In an instant, he knew why she had to apologize to him. She had every intention of showing him this, even if she didn’t have to show it to him to make a point. Which he now saw was the point of the memories she had shown him.  _ She did though, you know this. All the pain you have caused her, does she not deserve to cause her own in turn? _ His rationalization of why Tamaris had shown him such a moment did nothing to quell the guilt and rage that was brewing like a storm inside his mind. His crisp blue eyes finally fluttered open to see Shivana looking up at him confused. Flashing a brief smile he tried to show his daughter that he was alright, even though he was far from it.

Tamaris had stopped the memories, the echoes of the people faded away and they were left standing alone in the gardens at Skyhold. Solas kissed the top of Shivana’s auburn ringlet covered head, never wanting to let go of her again. She was his child. Tamaris was free to do with Cullen what she pleased,  _ for the time being _ , so he could stake no claim to her other than she was the mother of  _ his _ child. Shivana was another matter entirely. Solas’s jaw grew tight as he finally looked up at Tamaris who had turned around. 

Her eyes were heavy with sadness, her hands folded in front of her as she looked up at him. “The rest… is…” Tamaris didn’t finish her thought for she couldn’t bear to look the pain on Solas’s face. She knew that seeing Cullen with Shivana would hurt him, she wanted him to see what he left. There was even a part of her that wanted him to hurt because he was still not beside her when she awoke. He needed to see the life that should have been his. While he plan had it’s desired effect, Tamaris had never expected to feel such guilt upon seeing his pain. Her lips parted as she wanted to explain but Solas shook his head. He did not wish to hear any explanation. “Solas,” Tamaris started her eyes darting back to him for a moment. 

“No.” He said flatly as his hand ran down Shivana’s back. Tamaris was not going to control this conversation, not this time. Solas scowled as began, “So he… what?” Solas his voice seething with rage that he normal never let slip out. “Is her father to the world?” He scoffs, shaking his head. Tamaris gave him no answer, which was more than enough to answer his question. His bitterness shouldn’t have surprised Tamaris but it still hurt to hear and see how bothered he was by Cullen. “Of all the people you could have picked…  _ The Templar _ … raising  _ my _ child.” Tamaris was allowing him to have his moment, he deserved to be upset. What could have been more insulting to him than knowing that for most of her life thus far, his daughter had viewed a former Templar as her father? Nothing. 

Solas was barely holding his composure, he had to gather his head. It was not something that he could do in Tamaris or his daughter’s presence. With a few short strides and he closed the gap between Tamaris and himself. “I need some time to think..” He uttered with a sharpness that caused Tamaris to cast her eyes to the ground as he handed Shivana to her. To her surprise, after Shivana was settled in her arms and Solas had leaned in and kissed Shivana’s cheek. He then turned to her. “Ar lath ma, Vhenan.” He muttered with a great deal of sadness in his eyes as he leaned in and placing a tender kiss on her cheek before leaving them in the Fade.

When Solas awoke, in his chambers far away from the halls of Skyhold. He was livid. He shot out of his bed. Strode over to his desk and stared down at the various papers that detailed a carefully thought out plan. In all his plans he never factored in his own jealousy getting in the way. He wanted his family back. The idea that at the very moment, far away, Cullen had his arms wrapped around Tamaris made his stomach turn. He let out an animalistic growl before in a fit of rage his hands gripped his desk and in a single fluid movement, he flipped the desk. It came crashing to the ground with a solid thud, papers scattered all over the floor. If the noise of the desk being flipped was not enough to rouse any others nearby. Solas let out a frustrated, guttural scream. 

It wasn’t long before the door to his chambers was pushed open and the lean, hooded figure of Abalas stood in the doorway. “I take it things did not go well?” He asked flatly.

Solas’s gaze never moved from the floor, “What would have given you that impression?” He snarled. Abelas gestured to the desk and Solas snarled once more as he looked up. “The plans have changed,” Solas spoke sharply and there was venom dripping from each of his words. “We need to get them away from The Inquisition sooner than we had planned, which changes many things.” Abelas nodded. “I will not stand for that man…” He wouldn’t even think of speaking Cullen’s name. “Raising my daughter, being with  _ my heart _ for a moment longer… I know this is selfish of me to ask you or anyone else to be apart of, but…” 

“She is your child. This is your family.” Abelas finished his gold eyes cast to the floor. Solas nodded surprised by the sentinel’s empathy for his situation. “Then no more explanation is needed, I will await further instruction.” Abelas left Solas standing over the overturned desk as he began to formulate his plan to get Tamaris and Shivana away from the Inquisition,  _ Away from the Templar. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elvhen used in this chapter. 
> 
> Da'Ean - Little Bird  
Ir abelas sul ahn ju'garas. - I am sorry for what is coming (roughly)

**Author's Note:**

> So that's the first Part! I haven't really done a whole lot of writing in recent months of note, worthy of sharing but I am pretty happy with this. I did my best to edit it but it's un-beta read. 
> 
> Elvhen used was pulled from the fabulas Project Elvhen as well as the names used. 
> 
> If you would like to know more about the world I am building for the Twinquistion please feel free to check out my Tumblr dedicated to Tamaris, Mathras and all my Dragon Age love... @Ranawaytothedas 
> 
> Thanks guys!


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